अलविदा 2009

2009 has been a very educational year. I learned a lot.

About myself. People.

I dare say that I came out with more realisations and lessons than I did when I started a year ago.

And it did not seem like a year. It was like a full decade.

I notice that helping people is NOT a good thing. Especially if it came at the expense of myself.

People tend to take advantage of you, and for the sake of their own egos, they will sacrifice you to an ego-God or a talking snake or whatever. Or worse, to some of their stupid, retarded friends.

No point in trying to help, or even to talk to those people. Or even to waste time thinking about them.

They're fuckers and they should all die.

They can all FUCK OFF AND DIE.

When I was down, where were they?

No complaints, though. When I die, I WANT to be alone. I want to be alone right now.

That's why I didn't go out and shit.

I have decided that 2010 will be all about me and how great I am. As in, what's in it for me? I should learn from the prostitutes. Money first. And unlike the hookers, I'm only going to do things that give ME pleasure. I will not think about other people anymore. I will not put people first.

It's ME first. And if you can't catch up, well, sucks to be you.

honey

miss my sayang badly ;(

dear..

i need you now.

i miss your words.

i miss your touch..

i miss everything about you..

about us...

ilysm babe!

;P

semakin pergi

Tak sampai beberapa hari lagi bulan Disember nak habis. Bermula 1 Januari 2010, umur kita bertambah lagi kalau diikutkan kepada prinsip pengiraan umur orang Melayu (yang gemar menggenapkan semua perkara).

Tapi kalau diikutkan prinsip matematik dan undang-undang, usia kita cuma dikira genap bila tiba tepat tarikh lahir.

Kira kira balik, lagi berapa hari saja lagi nak masuk tahun 2010. Gila babi steady. Tambah lagi 10 tahun. Jadi tahun 2020. Tahun 2020 tu kereta semua dah boleh terbang. Rakyat semua pakai baju kilat kilat kaler perak. Banyak benda dah wayarles termasuk siram pokok bunga. Geran tanah pun dalam disket. Nasi dah tak payah makan. Cuma kena makan pil perasa nasi je. Kalau pil kaler kuning, nasi minyak. Kalau kaler kuning pekat sikit, pulut kuning. Kalau pil kaler coklat, nasi kari kepala ikan banjir. Begitulah seterusnya mengikut aturan warna dan saiz yang ditetapkan oleh lembaga padi. Hal yang sama turut berlaku kepada alam buku yang mana kedai buku semuanya digantikan dengan kedai pendrive.

Sebenarnya tempoh 10 tahun adalah satu tempoh yang agak singkat berdasarkan pengalaman aku. Jadi pandangan aku kerajaan mesti tengah giat dalam menjayakan misi wawasan 2020 secara intensif di Putrajaya. Sebagai contoh simpang 4 tengah bandar yang ada traffic light tu sampai sekarang tak turap padahal dah bengkak tak tentu hala permukaannya. Tadi aku lalu naik Proton terus barai tayar depan bunyi kruk kruk sampai rumah. Macam mana pun bila aku fikir fikir balik masa tengah ratah lauk telur bawah tudung saji, membazir juga kalau turap. Lagi 10 tahun kereta dah tak pakai jalanraya. Kereta dah pakai gas hidrogen!

Gila tak Gila!

crappy christmas

Waiting for Santa Claus. To kill him.

Went through a roller-coaster of shit this year. And hate, anger, euphoria, have been my fuel.

Right now, I got nothing. I am enjoying the fact that both my brain and the cavity which used to house my blood-pumper is empty.

Totally empty.

I do not feel anything. I am thinking of nothing. You have no idea how much of a relief this is.

When my ears were ringing. I saw white static. For, like, five minutes.

Nothing really matters. No one matters. And that's as good as it gets.

C'mon, Santa Claus. C'mon.

Imma stay up all night, if it weren't for this sore throat and slightly high temperature, which I'm hoping is not the start of a bronchitis flu.

Last night, my uncle's ghost came to see me, but I killed him again and ate him up. He told me tonight, there would be three ghosts or something.

Tomorrow's Christmas lunch seems taken care of.

Oh yeah.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all!

travelling

from Shah Alam

heading to Malacca

then to JB

tired driving

but happenning

p/s: post ini dihasilkan ketika saya sedang bosan

setulang

indah nya duniaaa

walau hati dukaaa

mati

I do live in the future. On the day I die.

I often ask myself, on the very last day of my life, would I have any regrets?

Well. Maybe.

Using that perspective, seeing myself from that vantage point, how relevant are things to me?

I mean, if I were to die, 20-30 years from now, if I live that long, what would matter today?

My blog? My career? My title? How much I make? What people think of me? What people thought of me, two seconds a year, five years ago?

How many girls I fucked?

I mean, what would matter, to ME? On my death bed.

Honestly, and I am not gloating, I have lived a charmed life. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd die happy. And I am ever thankful for that.

I have done what most people usually just complain about wanting to do.

But.

"I can't find the time."

"I don't have the money"

"I'm not good looking enough"

"They won't let me do that. Or SHE won't let me do that."

Well, just do it, bitch. The only reason you are stopping yourself is because somehow, on some level, it works for you.

Being a victim. Justifying. Being in pain. Fear of getting what you want.

As a person who more often than not gets what he wants.

"Sometimes, the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted."

And, "The destination is sometimes a surprise to the destined."

When you don't really know what you want and simply grab as much as you can. I've met grabbers before.

Sons and daughters of millionaires who fight for a free plastic toy camera. Wives of multi-million dollar companies' board members bringing fucking tupperware to an AGM meeting, so they can doggy-bag the caviar - used as garnishing.

And some, less obvious examples.

I can see it in their eyes. This greed for space. For attention. For recognition. For worship.

The fear that if you give some ground, or give some pussy, that you will have less pussy. Actually, the more you give your pussy, the bigger it gets. haha!

So you want a million US dollars. Why? Nothing wrong with that. I want USD400 million. But always know - for what? Always know what you're asking for.

Do you even know the headache it takes to manage a million bucks? The worry, and the responsibility that comes with it?

Greedy people, they are creatures of desire. They are never thin enough. They are never pretty enough. They are never rich enough. They are like walking black holes.

Persetankan politik dan ahli politik. Pergi mampus sama mereka. Peduli taik aku?

Kalau aku gagal pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku dah buat apa yang boleh, dan tidak hanya duduk dan maki orang tak tentu pasal, perasan diri sendiri betul.

Pedulittaik aku?

Hidup dalam dunia Melayu, aku dapati, penuh cabaran. Sebenarnya, hidup dalam dunia. Period.

Antara yang paling getir ialah perasaan hasad dengki dan rasa tidak yakin pada diri sendiri. Ini kita dapat lihat dari segi luaran dan dalaman.

Dari segi luarannya, ramai orang yang kita jumpa akan mempunyai perasaan hasad dengki dan ketidak-yakinan pada diri sendiri. Mereka ialah orang yang selalu membanding-banding, "Kereta dia lagi besar dari aku ke? Gaji dia lagi banyak ke? Bini dia rambut lagi besar ke?"

Semua persoalan yang membakar jiwa mereka ini akan menyebabkan mereka menghakimi orang lain. Kemudian mereka akan cuba:

1. Menjatuhkan orang lain.

2. Memfitnah orang lain.

3. Mentertawakan orang lain.

4. Mengambil tahu hal orang lain.

5. Sentiasa bercakap mengenai orang lain.

6. Bertepuk-sorak atas nasib malang orang lain.

Mereka akan menunggu dengan tangan bersedia untuk bertepuk sekiranya orang lain dijahanamkan atau menjahanamkan diri sendiri.

Yang taksub juga akan cuba mensabotaj orang lain agar dirinya kelihatan lebih baik. Kerana mereka yakin yang diri mereka tidak boleh diperbaiki lagi, maka mereka cuba menjahanamkan orang lain.

Tak kira sama ada kau lebih baik atau lebih buruk dari mereka, inilah apa yang mereka akan lakukan.

Kau boleh jadi emo, kalau kau nak. Takde bezanya. Takde gunanya.

Relaks

Kalau dari segi dalaman pula, kau, sebagai manusia, tidak boleh tidak akan juga mempunyai potensi untuk mempunyai emosi yang sama. Hasad dengki. Rasa tidak yakin. Ya. Kau juga ada penyakit yang sama.

Kalau kau tak nak bertenang pun, cuba amati persona yang tak bertenang itu. Asingkan dari diri kau. Itu bukan diri kau yang sebenarnya. Itu ego.

Pergi mampus sama orang lain. Ko kecoh buat apa? Lantaklah si celaka-celaka itu semua. Kalau kau bazirkan masa dengan memberi perhatian kepada hasad dengki dan rasa tidak yakin si celaka-celaka itu, sampai bila pun kau takkan ber-evolusi.

Beruk-kera-beruk-kera ini sentiasa perlukan perhatian, seperti manusia perlukan udara. jadi, kalau kau tak bagi diorang perhatian, dan fokus kepada benda yang kau hendak, maka kewujudan mereka akan terhakis dan apa yang kau nak akan terpacul di depan mata dengan lebih cepat.

Fokus

Kalau kau fokus pada sesuatu benda, benda itu akan muncul.

Kalau kau nak BMW, kau fokus kat kereta tu. Rasa macam kau dah dapat. rasa macam dah bawak. lama-lama, bila kau fokus, otak kau yang tak-sedar akan mula memberi input macamana nak berada dalam keadaan yang kau impikan. Kau akan dapat idea. Kau akan perasan lebih benda.

Lupa la pulak pasal orang yang dengki dan tidak yakin pada diri sendiri.

Mmmm...

Pergi mampuslah diorang.

Aku nak jadi superhero. Aku nak jadi jutawan. Pedulittaik aku?

The Advantages of Making Me a Millionaire

Look, as long as I'm not rich, I'm going to annoy you with miscellaneous crap and shit.

I will be a mirror to you and your darkest bullshit. I will show you your hypocrisies, flaunt them, and make caricatures of them. I will be the physical embodiment of your being.

I will do and say things that you do not like.

Why?

Because without lots and lots of money, I have nothing to amuse myself with, other than showing you how stupid you are.

For some, you will have this irrepressible urge to put me down. To hate me. Because you do not have a life, and deep down inside, you WANT to be me. You want to be SEEN or regarded as better than me.

With millions at my disposal, I will shift my attention away from what makes me laugh - you - and focus entirely on myself.

Just remember: as long as I am insignificant, I am invincible. With nothing to lose. Make me a millionaire, and I would have something to lose - my millions.

In other words, for a person without weaknesses - ME - you create one.

Money

As a millionaire, I would have to play by the rules. The same stupid rules you claim to follow. Because those rules would be advantageous to a millionaire, who don't have to follow them anyway. Right now, with no millions, fuck the rules.

And don't worry. Even if I am a millionaire, I have set safeguards to ensure that I would never be a politician. I would never make it in a field where I would need to appease most people, if not everybody, with my charming personality. I would never rise in power and take over the country, or even portions of it.

I have no such aspirations.